Gloria MacDonald, owner of matchmaking service Perfect Partners, in Toronto, says women are often attracted to men who possess qualities they don't. So a serious planner might go for a fun-loving, spontaneous guy. The catch: the qualities you find attractive can often end up being the very ones that cause friction in a relationship(especially if you don't share the same values). To break the pattern, MacDonald says you need to understand what you're attracted to and then move beyond the initial attraction to find out if the person shares your core values(approach to money, how to raise children, work ethic). If he doesn't, then it's time to say hasta la vista, baby. For Nurse, a stint in cognitive therapy(a type of therapy that focuses on changing unproductive thought patterns)helped. She wrote a list of all the characteristics she wanted in a man. "This helped me identify what I desired in another person and what I wouldn't settle for," says Nurse. Whenever Nurse met a single guy, she'd flip through the list, mentally, to assess the potential suitor. The more subtle behaviours, such as how he treated his friends and whether he tried to monopolize her time, required watching and listening. When she met Rob, he had many of the qualities on the list, and she knew he was a better choice. She is now engaged to Rob and set to be married in October 2006.
Laurie Ahdemar, an aesthetician from Vancouver, used to be very negative. "If something didn't turn out the way I wanted, I'd become angry or fall into self-pity," she admits. But Ahdemar realized being negative didn't make her happy or bring her desired results. "The mind is very powerful. If you expect the worst all the time, that will likely be the outcome. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy," says Dr. Neill Neill, a registered psychologist in Qualicum Beach, B.C. However, you can change your mindset if you want to. If you're facing a difficult situation, ask, What I am afraid of? What am I supposed to learn from this? Even if you don't know immediately, just asking these questions will get you out of a victim mindset, says Dr. Neill. Next, get any help you need to improve the situation. This reframing is exactly what Ahdemar did. For example, when she failed her driving test, she focused on what she needed to improve on and what she could learn from the experience instead of the fact she didn't pass. She kept practising, took the test again and passed with flying colours. This is a hard pattern to break, but when you find yourself sliding back into negativity, stop and think of a positive memory or picture and stay with it for 15 seconds, recommends Dr. Neill. It will help you get perspective on what's going on. It's also helpful to surround yourself with positive people and minimize or cease contact with negative ones. This may actually start to happen naturally, as positive people tend to attract other positive people, says Dr. Neill. |
